Today is our Wedding Anniversary. It is bittersweet. These roses melted my heart, but there was no chance of seeing my husband, or kissing him, or even thanking him - not for many, many days. It made me cry. (I've been crying a lot lately.)
But, I'm grateful that we currently have a strong relationship. Many spouses leave on a deployment, unsure if they'll come back to divorce papers. Many spouses have worse deployments than this one - longer, harder, riskier. Many military members don't have spouses at all, and wish they did.
Many of our previous anniversaries have been hard, too. One year, we were beyond hopeless and wondering how anyone ever builds a successful marriage. We weren't sure if/how we could go on, and suddenly understood why people do divorce each other. That kind of despair was more painful than this separation, honestly. But, we rebuilt from that point, and God's unbelievable ability to redeem anything was etched in my heart forever.
... I would miss him less, if he were more of a jerk - if we were still struggling like we were, during that horrid year. So, the fact that I miss him this much is a good thing.
But, even just typing that, I roll my eyes at how clique it sounds. Like a glib, sentimental, lame attempt to paint Pollyanna-ish cheer over a genuine misery. It's the kind of remark I would despise if someone else said it. *chuckle* Maybe I'm not explaining very well.
I guess what I mean to say is, I'd rather be miserably lonesome for him than glad that he's gone. I've seen wives who really do sigh with relief and almost celebrate when their husbands head out the door. Every so often, I kinda envy their ability to effortlessly enjoy deployments; as long as they're busy with activities and hobbies, they seem to hardly miss their spouse.
But, my person is gone. And I feel it deeply, constantly. I don't want to mope or be unhealthily codependent. He's gone, and I need to function within that reality. But, I don't want to function too well without him either. I want there to be a palpable gap in my world, because there is an actual gap in my world. And maybe it's naive to think this, but I sometimes hope that if I maintain this gap, it'll be easier to reintegrate when he comes home...
For now, I'm going to let myself feel his absence for what it is - and not anesthetize it too fast. For today, I have fragrant flowers and a quiet house, both together. That's my reality. It's a little emotionally incoherent, but accurate, too.
Part of me wants to downplay our anniversary; what's one day vs another in marriage anyhow? Each day is just its own memory, its own triumph or battle. The days all kinda bleed together, really, after a while. Right?
Well, kinda. But, it's just nice to celebrate anniversaries together. I wish we could have this one together. I picture us talking, and cuddling, recounting how we've changed and grown and the humorous (in hindsight) collisions of personality that have made us the couple we are now...
Maybe next year.
No comments:
Post a Comment