There are no words for this level of strange.

Today, while running errands in the "city," this lady pulled up beside me at a red light.  She was emphatically bopping to the music in her car, so the motion caught my eye and I glanced over.

She was bobbing and weaving and gesturing like a loon, yes.  But, the real eye-popping sight was an equally serene, motionless, GINORMOUS poodle sitting regally in the backseat.  

Let's take a closer look, shall we?  

Yes, I took a photo.  While wondering if this was a gag.  Wondering if I was being filmed, and would show up on YouTube soon.  

But, she was apparently oblivious and, well, who could resist?!

On Reintegration

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. - I Peter 5:10

* * *

I was so afraid of reintegration.  Sometimes, for many people, it goes quite horribly and you hear all about those stories.

We tried very hard to stay close, emotionally.  We did everything that the books and counselors and briefings tell you to do.  We were pretty systematic and utterly obedient.  And ultimately, our reintegration went really well!  The first week was beyond honeymoon-ish, the second week was definitely above normal, in terms of morale and tolerance for each others' flaws, and by the third week things were mixed - but not badly.  We worked through it, and life is starting to feel pretty... normal again.

I mean, Husband still flinches and struggles in certain regards, because of what he experienced - and I'm quick to tense and accuse him of not understanding or not appreciating all I did/am doing.  We've talked to a counselor, once, and that helped.  We're having to be intentional about our reactions, maybe more than usual.  But, still.  We're not derailing, y'know?

I feel like God is simply helping us.  And we're trying to focus on the positive.  A LOT.  And have tons of fun.  I'm kinda bad at creating fun; I'm better at creating productivity.  (Well, kinda.  Not if my days lately are any indication, heh.)

But, we celebrated Christmas (in February) together! 

We went to the aquarium; Little One loved it so much, she couldn't scream loudly enough.

We went out to eat, and at more-expensive-than-normal restaurants, and outdoor ethnic markets  

We discovered Horchata, and Sierra Trading Post, and took long drives just to talk, while Little One napped in the back seat.  

Husband made all our food decorative again.  Even Spaghetti.  And he helps me use up the produce, (like cabbage.  how on earth do you use up a whole cabbage?!) before it starts rotting.  

And he made wee omelettes and oatmeal for Little One, every morning.  And I slept in.  

And she promptly started nursing exactly HALF as often, immediately.  It really was emotional.  And she started obediently sleeping through the night, as soon as we set her on our knees and told her she needed to.  Wow.  The impact of two, united parents is crazy.

Life is so much better with him home.  SO much better.  Everything is sweeter.  And more doable.  It's a little surreal for both of us to function with, like, almost no fear at all.  He got a little creeped out the first time we walked down the street, to buy groceries.  And when the neighbor's dog thudded against the wall.  And when they test the sirens on base.  I'm overly sensitive, and easily hurt/offended, and when we do have a fight, it feels like the end of the world.  Little One often cries when he leaves now, and signs/calls for "Dada!" over and over.  

But, we're doing this.  And it's not so horrible.  And I thank God.  I'm not arrogant enough to think we created this on our own.  

Wow.

Dearest Husband, 

Shopping the Valentines' displays twelve hours BEFORE everyone else in the world picked up their own floral gifts was sheer brilliance. I've never seen such fresh, gorgeous flowers! You are the sweetest and dearest *ever.*

Also, doing said shopping secretly, with your wiggly daughter in your arms, when I thought you were at home babysitting her, was both brilliant and brave. Way to be super-competent AND romantic. 

There is no man on earth better than you. Love you so.

XO,

~ Your Girl

HOMECOMING

Deployment Journal - Day #210

I wasn't nervous anymore.  I was just numb.  I didn't know what to envision.  Would our reunion be teary?  Nonchalant?  I'm not the kind of person to run weeping into a long-lost's arms... yet, I totally do picture that, in my head.  Too many sappy, morning-show, homecoming videos, maybe?  I was concerned about Little One; how would she handle it all?  How would I?  How would he?  I had also this somewhat irrational fear that this plane, the final link to bring him home to us, would crash.  I couldn't shake it.  I felt so guarded, so anxious, so thrilled, so muddled.

The morning was all logistics.  How to get the house clean, while a Toddler excitedly un-cleaned behind me.  How to get in the car on time, early enough to appeal for Gate Passes (which means standing in long, baggage lines with all the other passengers) but late enough that Little One would be tired enough to sleep on the way - not so overtired she'd scream for the whole drive.  

Several things went wrong.  I slept through my alarm.  I never do that.  I'm sure it means something psychologically, when you fail to wake up on a day that you're not sure if you're dreading.  But, in any case, it totally threw off my careful plan.  We did get in the car, but later than my ideal, and I borderline hyperventilated for most of the hour-long journey.  I finally started calling people, and leaving voicemails, to calm myself.  It felt weird that I was still numb.

Baby slept like an angel.  I woke her to feed her in the parking garage.  It was all going smoothly.  But, I'd worn the most impractical, uncomfortable heels in my closet.  I always forget how bad they are, heh.  But today, we had to walk over snow and ice and slush in them, while carrying a 20 lb child and several awkward parcels.  No, I didn't grab her stroller.  Also dumb.  But, on the off-chance that we did get gate passes, I didn't want one more item to take through security.  

I got suddenly dizzy, entering the terminal.  I realized I wasn't breathing.  I stopped, readjusted my hanging baby, (how do you teach them to grip you with their wee legs again?!) inhaled several times, and noticed I was quivering from neck to fingers to ankles.  So much adrenaline.  Maybe I could convince myself that this was off-the-chain levels of excitement?

We met up with our photographer at this point.  She was so calm and not-terrified.  I tried to act calm.  In reality, I chattered blindly.  After staggering through the wrong line once, fumbling with my wallet, nearly leaving my military ID on the counter, and jabbering  like a caffeinated bird, we had gate passes.  Hallelujah.  Security did not go smoothly, (I somehow had more stray items than when we travel) but Little One was sweet and just getting through more steps of the process was helping me.  Faintly.

A long walk later, we were at the gate 25 minutes before his arrival.  I chatted more with the photographer, and outgoing passengers overheard our conversation.  An older couple got very teary-eyed, and he handed me a wad of dollar bills: "Go take your husband out to dinner, somewhere real nice."  I choked back abrupt tears.  Another elderly woman offered to take video with my camera, if I'd show her how to do it.  Teaching her used up several minutes.  Yay.  

Then, I noticed the airline staff scuttling around.  Was the plane arriving early?  I went to ask.  "Yes, it'll be here in about three minutes."  Holy macaroni, I was glad we'd arrived so early! 

I suddenly got a text from Husband.  (FROM HIS OWN CELL PHONE!  HIS REAL PHONE!)  The plane had landed.  Oh no, I'd forgotten to tell him we'd gotten gate passes; I'd promised to text him!  I fired off a quick "AT GATE!" text, hoping his phone would receive it promptly.  Then, we began waiting.

Passengers streamed off the plane.  I, the photographer, and a whole crowd of people were craning our necks to seen down the curved jetway, trying to glimpse him.  But, he didn't come.  Five minutes and three false-starts of our video camera later, the people stopped streaming off the plane.  Even the pilots had deplaned.  I was starting to feel sick.  Had he died in the past two minutes?  Were we at the wrong gate?

Then, I saw a flash of camouflage.  It was running, bouncing up the corridor.  I started crying, called out "He's coming!" and began narrating to Little One, "There he is!!!"  The numbness caved in.  He was crying, I was sobbing, tears were dripping off my chin, and it was impossible not to rush together.  

Everyone cheered.  Others cried.  Not like they had reason to, like we did, but it was pretty much like a movie moment.

She wasn't scared of him at all.  Being accosted by a giant green person messed with her a little at first, but within minutes, she was stroking his face and clearly knew this was Daddy, come back to us, finally.

She didn't want him to hold her yet, but murmured hushed "Da-Da"s all the way to baggage.  I couldn't stop quivering.  We look so oddly normal in all the photos.  In reality, it was the biggest emotional rush EVER.  

Reunion joy doesn't compensate for the months of deployment misery, but man; such unspeakable joy.

So this is love.

Deployment Journal - Days #206-209

Here, I went blog-silent.  We were going a little crazy, trying to cleeeeeeeeean everythiiiiiiiiiiiing before Daddy got home, while also getting some sleep and food - at least, enough to help us weather this immense emotional experience.  I was also hormonal, and Little was teething, so the fact that his return date was actually holding steady was both exhilarating and terrifying.

So, we did what we needed to, to survive.  Like letting her play in the fridge.  Yes, I know it wastes energy.  But, she only has like a two minute attention span right now, and for those whole two minutes, removing and replacing condiment bottles works like magic.  Try not to judge me?

Deployment Journal - Day #205

Today was fueled by 35 blessed minutes of warm sunshine.  We huddled in the nook between our house and garage, where the wind couldn't reach us but the sun could.  It was divine.  I strategically handed bits of junk mail to Little One, who delightedly tore and threw; I chased and retrieved.  Meanwhile, her face and my toes soaked up Vitamin D like crunchy sponges. 

Just when I thought the weariness was simply too heavy... there was the sun.  We can do this.  Just a little bit further.

Deployment Journal - Day #204

We got our homecoming banner today.  Little One was fascinated by this new toy, poking and pulling at it.  I told her excitedly, "This is for Daddy!"  She got very wide-eyed, and instantly knelt to hug and kiss it.  You can't script these things.  I still can't get her to moo or meow or talk on camera, for our eager relatives to see.  But, I somehow managed to snap this photo.  

No photo can capture our glee these days, however.  I've pretty much stopped sleeping.  It's ridiculous.  But, so awesome, too.  I wasn't even this excited for our wedding day.  Here's hoping I can sustain this level of anticipation until he actually gets here.  =D

Deployment Journal - Day #203

Between our impending move (ok, fine - we still have months, but it feels impending), Husband's imminent return, and an overdue desire to declutter, I've been in full-out purging mode lately.  The reason we are still-not-quite-unpacked is because I substituted "putting clothes away in closets/drawers" with "oh, let's just clean out that closet/drawer before I put more in it."

Dumb?  Maybe.  Still not sure.  But, there are piles EVERYWHERE.  And Little One LOVES destroying my piles. Can you blame her?  SUPER fun to toss fifty or so items over your shoulder and then fall backwards into them.  

And now, we have a deadline - I really don't want the house to be this messy for Husband's return.  Oh, and we lack a vacuum.  Not that it exactly matters, since the carpet is covered by piles.  But, for some reason, lacking a vacuum feels immense.

So, I went to the BX to finally buy a new one... and I came home with this cute, little pitcher.  (See above.)  It was marked down from $20 to $2.  That's about my margin for purchasing unnecessary extras, so I totally bought it.  And set it next to my yet-unpacked box of delivered-to-my-door fruit/vegetables.  In lieu of cleanliness, it makes me happy.

And I've used a ton of hyphens in this post.  Hmm.  Well.... yay for hyphens.