Deployment Journal - Day #7

The momentum is fading again.  I constantly want to sleep, or sit, or watch movies... It's not like me.  I keep gauging my depression meter, and I think I'm still safe.  Maybe barely.  I really like curling up under the fluffy down blanket Husband gave me... even when I'm not tired.  It dulls the ache a little.

But, I'm functioning in all other arenas; I had a plan for these first days, and I've executed it almost absolutely.  The house is relatively clean, and we're fed and clothed, and staying in touch with friends and relatives.  Ticking thru projects, too; making photo books, mending dresses, booking flights, hosting guests, even sorting the mail - which I hate. 

So ha.  We're doing this.

* * *

Today, we got caught in the National Anthem, while walking to the library; we paused, respectfully, like everyone else in sight, while the music played and the jets flew over majestically.  It was moviesque.  Even Baby gets very still, as if she understands what's happening.  I wonder what impressions this makes on her mind.

At first, the abundant patriotism almost annoyed me; Reveille every morning, Retreat every evening, Taps after sunset... It seemed like the music would always play, and force me to stop, hazard lights binging incessantly, precisely during the tightest deadlines.  Also, I may a have a lingering grudge that no one told me to stop my driving/walking.moving whenever the music played - so I embarassed myself royally on our first base.

Now, I feel sorrowful that someday, we'll inevitably live off base. I love the rhythm of life here, the mandatory pauses throughout our days; I love that all the neighborhood kids know to scamper home for dinner, after the Star Spangled Banner plays at 5:00.

I imagined myself getting dramatically teary; me, a young mom, whose husband is far away fighting in a war - me, standing in a lonely parking lot, holding our daughter on my left hip, right hand over my heart.  But, I've never been able to cry on cue, and there was no one near to pity me, if I had.  So, we just whispered an extra prayer for Daddy, watched the jets carve across the sky one more time, and walked inside to renew our movie rentals.