I know I've been suppressing emotions. I can feel it. I'm more level, more stoic, more annoyed by anything emotional (music, concerned/inquisitive people, beauty, memories, photographs). I'm coping better than two months ago, but I can tell there are things deep inside me - and I'm not even sure what they are, but they're there. I'm a little nervous they'll all spill out when he is home. I really don't want that. Could be gory.
So, the other night, I was washing dishes and decompressing from a tough day when the thought spontaneously hits me:
He's coming home soon. He's going to be home with us again soon.
And I started bawling. Grip-the-sink, hang-on-and-bend-those-knees BAWLING. For about three minutes.
But, what a relief! I quickly wiped the tears away afterwards, gasping and laughing confusedly.
Well... at least that's less I'll need to cry when he arrives... right?
Truthfully, I'm not sure how I'll react to his homecoming. I remember vividly imagining, as a kid, running dramatically to reunite with my old friends. (We moved a lot.) But, in reality, I'd always just answer the door with a big grin. In my head, I was running.
Part of me wants to be openly weepy and hysterically elated, like those homecoming videos you see on the local news, and part of that isn't sure if that's "me." It never has been before.
Then again, I've never been separated from my husband for this long before.
I guess we'll just see how it goes. I'm trying to be fine with whatever reaction, however picturesque or anticlimactic.
I'm too self-conscious not to care at all about appearances, heh. But, I care a lot less than I normally do.
I just want him home now.
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