Deployment Journal - Day #96

How To Clip Baby Fingernails

1.  Settle in somewhere comfortable.  With a backrest.  And armrests, if possible.  And no sharp corners. 

2.  Have your child watch TV.  Or a movie.  A show.  Or an entertaining screensaver.

3.  If you're trying to oblige the American Academy of Pediatrics' recommendation to NOT expose your child to TV before age two... well, you need to give up that conviction, right now.

(Kidding.  Kinda)

4.  Seriously tho', find an Impressive Distraction.  A hysterical doggie, a crazy relative, many things will do.  But, you need a really Impressive Distraction.  TV works best, in my opinion.  But, we don't have a TV, so I use YouTube videos (of children singing and dancing to Scripture songs - which makes me feel less guilty for ignoring the APA.)

5.  Grip their tiny little hand firmly.  Specifically the finger you mean to clip.  You don't want it to jerk because then there will be (so, so, so much) blood. 

(It will still jerk some, even if you're Sampson.  Just try to minimize the jerking.)

6.  Don't grip the hand too tightly.  It makes the jerking worse, because Child will notice what you're doing and the Distraction won't be effective anymore.  Practice will help you find the perfect balance.  Maybe.

7.  Hook one side of the nail-clipping-blades under their fingernail.  Long fingernails help this.  But, they may also lacerate your child's face, in the 24 hours before you sighingly realized you must clip their nails (yet again.  So soon?!)

8.  Once the blade is under the nail, you can see better how deep the blade is, and you're almost guaranteed not to clip off fingertip flesh.  (You may, however, still clip off next-to-nail flesh.) 

Again.  Practice helps.  A little.

9.  Before squeezing the clippers shut, pause.  There will be a flinch.  (Or seventeen.)  Try to flex and follow the flailing hand around with the clippers still under the nail.  You will fail. 

10.  Eventually, the motion will hesitate, as your child wonders if he/she has broken free from Mommy.  Seize that moment.  Clip, clip, clip!

11.  Try to take your first chunk from the side of the nail.  Your second, from the opposite side.  Then, if all goes well, about twenty minutes later, you can clip the center, now-super-pointy-and-lethal tip off, cleanly. 

12.  If you have a full 24 hours, and nothing else to do, attempt to clip all nails.  Otherwise, clip four (or one) and congratulate yourself that you're 20% (or 5%) of the way through this horrid event.  Stop, drink some tea, talk in strange, goofy voices to assure your child that nothing noticeable happened!

By doing this daily, you should get all nails clipped by the time the first nails have grown into talons again.  Repeat steps 1-12.