I'm feeling oddly resentful towards civilians lately. I've never felt this way before. But, I have felt the opposite, struggling with the blithe, practiced, sometimes-heartless attitude of experienced military spouses, and preferring the sympathy of merciful "oh-you-poor-sweetie-come-for-dinner-every-night!" civilians who just cannot fathom how we military families survive, heh.
So, when I realized I was suddenly bristling at civilians, it took me a couple days to figure out why. I finally concluded that civilians were throwing off my emotional equilibrium. Yeah. Who knew, right? But, turns out that too much sympathy is as bad as too little.
Also, they just can't relate. Yet they try so hard, for so, so many sentences in a row...
AND they contradict whatever I say. This may be the kicker, actually. When I smile maturely and say, "Yes, it's hard, but this is just what we military spouses do--" they interject, "But, it must be so hard! How can your husband stand to be away so long? Can you sleep at night? Your daughter must miss him so much!" etc. etc. And at this point, I'm forced by all possible codes of courtesy to reassure them that it's really not that bad, and rush to minimize my struggles, lest they be overwhelmed on my behalf and start crying in the grocery store for "ALL THOSE POOR SOLDIERS..."
However, if ever I start to admit, "Yes, it's very hard--" they cut me off almost reprovingly. "But, at least he can call/you can email" or "What great life experience he's getting" or "He'll be home soon" or "Now you understand how single moms feel!" or (my most hated) "Oh, my husband travels alot, too!"
Really? Really?! I already get to play endless mediator between the you (Opinionated Citizen, powered by amateur political bloggers and sensational radio show hosts) and the U.S. Government/Military (whose foreign policy decisions I may or may not agree with, but definitely am not going to let you bad-mouth, thanks). I already tiptoe verbally, trying to heartily affirm our nation/military/the-freedom-that-enables-you-to-nitpick-and-critique-and-second-guess-our-commanders-from-your-couch, while also leveling with you (a little) about my personal opinions, so you won't think I'm merely a robotic spokesmodel for the military, with no autonomy or independent thoughts.
Frankly, I already struggle to find my own balance with all this. It's true. I wish my husband were home. And I wish the whole world got along better. I wish military intervention wasn't necessary, and I also wish it was more effective. Some days, I care more about me and my daughter than I do about other countries, their turmoil, and the many possible catastrophic complications of crazy, power-hungry people everywhere. Some days, I am myopic. I fixate on the short term. Tonight's fear. Tomorrow's social drama. That difficult situation I have to face alone. Again. Some days, I feel resentful. Some days, I feel numb. Or proud of us.
But whatever I'm feeling that day, comments from inquiring bystanders drudge up all the opposing feelings. I get muddled, and am reminded of what I'm not feeling, of all those other contradictory feelings.
A sweet (civilian) girlfriend asked me the other day, "Is it hard - having everyone ask you about your husband, and the military, and everything?" And I think I replied diplomatically that it was probably about as annoying as being asked about your (difficult) pregnancy, repeatedly, or your (undetermined) post-college plans, repeatedly. And I think I said that I just try to handle it maturely, and not be bitter, and be thankful that people care enough to ask and give me the chance to answer - however schizophrenically. And that was true. But, it's also true that it's hard. And probably, it's no one's fault that nearly any question or comment can make this tenuous emotional place feel even harder.
But, I am finding myself extra grateful for my military peers, even the ones I'm not very close with, who simply ask, "How're you doing?" and "Have any fun weekend plans?" and "Aren't the weeds horrible?" just like they normally would ask any other neighbor. No dramatic, wide-eyed, backhanded fishing for a deeper story. They don't act like anything has changed. Probably because they've done this before. Much more than I have. And deployments are genuinely normal to them. Almost uneventful, in fact. Which sometimes annoys me. But right now, it's kinda comforting. It keeps the emotions bottle-sized.
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