The Curse of Public Joy

Among military wives, it’s popular to be brave.  Sometimes callously so.  By their second PCS, these ladies have totally eliminated their initial self-pity and now sometimes tend towards self-inflation, bragging non-chalantly about how they unpacked their entire house in under six hours, and adding smugly that they don’t understand people who take two weeks to “get settled.”

Since I’m not among those who unpacked in six hours, I felt defective.  I tried to comfort myself by saying, “Oh well – you’re not them” and “They’re just proud of themselves – they didn’t mean to put you down.”

But, I still felt annoyed, weeks later.  Fortunately, by then, everyone assumed I had long-since unpacked everything and so at least they stopped asking about that – and began asking where my kids were, or when I was going to produce some.  (We childless couples are the minority here.)  Not having an impressive answer for the scheduling of our firstborn, I felt even more flawed.  Suddenly, each glowy story of an “accidental” pregnancy or “easy/prompt/effortless” conception grated against my nerves.  It felt like a massive competition, a race to start or build your family faster than your neighbor.  And I wasn’t even in the race.

Now, I’m sure when you’re visibly pregnant and the entire world asks “Was it planned?” the best strategy is to structure your answer positively.  So, if you were trying, then yes – grin and exclaim how glad you are that your efforts were rewarded.  And if you weren’t trying, then grin similarly and say how surprised but excited you are at this unexpected blessing.

But, never before have I considered how these dialogues must make infertile couples feel.  Everyone (who is successfully pregnant) makes it sound so easy!  So stress-free.  So… natural.  Even inevitable.  Like it just happens.   But, that’s not true for everyone.

So, I made a mental note to myself, to be more sensitive, both in asking about these things (maybe it’s better to ask such question one-on-one, and not publically?) and in talking about my own blessings/accomplishments.

Accordingly, I was stunned and ashamed to catch myself committing the same sin, recently.  Seems I’d know better.  But, no.  I abruptly found myself glibly chatting about how little I spent on groceries, or how we’ve finally figured out a great budgeting system, or how husband-and-I used to struggle with *XYZ* issue, but have now worked through it.

Granted, I didn’t mean to be a show-off; I meant to be interesting, or encouraging.  But sometimes, I was proud of me, and rather wanted a pat on the back, or a group cheer, or something.  I see it now, after assessing my heart.  And I feel utterly embarrassed.

Sure, I didn’t mean to make anyone feel small.  But, I bet no one meant to make me feel small either.  Yet, I still felt small, and I resented those people.

So, if you’re among those who I unconsciously frustrated, it isn’t “easy” and you’re not “defective.”  Honest.

And I was wrong to brag.  Forgive me?