Paragraphs Between Girls

Copied from a Facebook message exchange...

* * *Did I sound upbeat? Haha, I'm sorry - I must have been primly whitewashing my true sentiments. =) Or maybe, at 10:00 this morning, life looked rosier to me. That's likely, actually. I was on a productive roll, eight hour ago.

Now, it's 6:26 p.m., Daughter is shrieking (AKA: not napping) upstairs, and I'm emailing Craigslist people in search of a washer - but only a washer; no dryer necessary. (Why do people only ever sell washers/dryers in sets? Are we really that odd? Does everyone else in the whole world buy things in sets? Who can even afford that?! Does nobody else BUDGET?! Because we do! ... which begs the question, why didn't we think to create a spare-sub-savings account for replacing major appliances.?! Ahhh! I am so bad at life!!! Why is my husband never home when I need him?! Etc.)

Thank the Lord, a merciful handyman (who works near here) stopped by and diagnosed the issue, for about 1/4 of what every other repairman would have charged (for an hour's deconstruction of my washing machine) and priced the parts, and helped me conclude that it's not cost-effective to replace them, on such an old washer. So, I ought to be grateful.

I actually was grateful. At one point. I think it was around 4:00 p.m.

But now, I'm grumpy at Craigslist, and wondering if I was wrong to put Baby down for a nap now after all...? And I missed the breastfeeding meeting that I was going to attend (repairman was here late) – when I had bundled myself and Baby up and driven to the building, no one was there. *sigh* Figures. I was kinda hoping for some adult socialization, but really - I'm fine - not like I'm going to die here in my living room. I have Craigslist, after all.

And I'm totally venting to you. *chuckle* Sorry...

Paragraphs Between Girls

Sometimes, I write more honestly to my girlfriends.  See below...

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The final (???) blow of our morale-zapping month came when Husband got unexpected orders to deploy in a few weeks. I seriously cried, intermittently, in little 30 second floods, for the first 24 hours. My attempts to be brave and mature poofed away. I know we'll be fine. I know God will help us. But, it felt like someone had died. And punched me in the gut, simultaneously.

I think that I "think" in order to cope. My brain instantly switched to list mode. Vitamins to order, uniforms I need to mend, legal documents we have to conjure up, recordings we should make for Baby, so she can keep hearing his voice, people to email to cancel our summer travel plans, new plans we need to figure out, etc. Lists. I seriously started scribbling a list of reasons why I'm thankful, and how I can see God has prepared us for this, and how it must be the perfect time... But man, all the losses, too. Christmas, first words/steps, Thanksgiving, his whole season of races he's been training for, enjoying our garden's harvest together, getting credit for the high profile projects that Husband has been dying to do so much for these last months, (but now someone else will take over and get the credit) -- all these just slip away so fast. I try not to picture much in advance, but I guess I had been envisioning plenty...

On the upside, it's head-clearing. The cost of eating salmon for dinner, normally a financial annoyance which we justify knowing how good salmon is for us, suddenly seemed ridiculously petty, knowing Husband will be eating absolute crap, nutritionally, for months. The news made me glad for every time I've inconvenienced myself to go watch him swim, or whenever we've been able to eat together. It made me want to apologize for not doing more…