Sometimes, I write more honestly to my girlfriends. See below...
* * *
The final (???) blow of our morale-zapping month came when
Husband got unexpected orders to deploy in a few weeks. I seriously cried,
intermittently, in little 30 second floods, for the first 24 hours. My attempts
to be brave and mature poofed away. I know we'll be fine. I know God will help
us. But, it felt like someone had died. And punched me in the gut,
simultaneously.
I think that I "think" in order to cope. My brain
instantly switched to list mode. Vitamins to order, uniforms I need to mend,
legal documents we have to conjure up, recordings we should make for Baby, so
she can keep hearing his voice, people to email to cancel our summer travel
plans, new plans we need to figure out, etc. Lists. I seriously started
scribbling a list of reasons why I'm thankful, and how I can see God has
prepared us for this, and how it must be the perfect time... But man, all the
losses, too. Christmas, first words/steps, Thanksgiving, his whole season of
races he's been training for, enjoying our garden's harvest together, getting
credit for the high profile projects that Husband has been dying to do so much
for these last months, (but now someone else will take over and get the credit)
-- all these just slip away so fast. I try not to picture much in advance, but I guess I
had been envisioning plenty...
On the upside, it's head-clearing. The cost of eating salmon for dinner,
normally a financial annoyance which we justify knowing how good salmon is for
us, suddenly seemed ridiculously petty, knowing Husband will be eating absolute
crap, nutritionally, for months. The news made me glad for every time I've
inconvenienced myself to go watch him swim, or whenever we've been able to eat
together. It made me want to apologize for not doing more…
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