Deployment Journal - Day #5

So. I went back to the city today.  Yes, the same one we went to yesterday.

I know, I felt insane.  But, seriously, there was a good reason. 

Kinda. 

See, yesterday, I tried to turbo-shop Macy's.  That was futile. 

Picture with me: Careening a bag-laden stroller - while politely smiling - between sauntering retirees, trying to beat Baby's late afternoon nap deadline, spinning the stroller round and round, pushing it back and forth, playing peek-a-boo with clothing racks, then setting her on a blanket on the floor and hysterically thumbing through about ten clearance items before she scoots off...

Lather, rinse, repeat.

It timed out after about twenty minutes. 

In the meantime, I found several items that I totally would have purchased - 'cept for their price.  Horrid prices.  So, I exercised self-control, and wheeled my squalling babe to the car, and headed home.

This morning, feeling a tad sulky, I went to Macys.com.  And what do you know?  They're having a One-Day Sale.  50% off everything.  I nearly threw something. 

Do you have any idea how hard it was for us to---?!

After a few seconds of mental sputtering, I reasoned:  Well, today I don't need to go to Costco.  Or anywhere else, for that matter.  So if I were ok with using the gas, I'd have alot more time and flexibility to browse today...

Thanks to my laziness, the diaper bag and other necessities were still setting out.  Or in the car, for that matter.  So off we went... again.

And as guilty as I felt, thirty miles later, I knew it was a good decision.  Incredibly spontaneous for me.  The day was admittedly somewhat inconvenient, cumbersome, and inefficient - tho' we improved our methods from yesterday.

And guess what, people?  Day #5 = Done.

... Who knows when we'll go again.  No predictions this time.  But, we're getting pretty sick of Burger King, so next time I'm bringing my own snacks.

Deployment Journal - Day #4

On the heels of yesterday's vicious blahness, this morning I decisively fed Little One, then packed her, the diaper bag, my cell phone, wallet, and water bottle, and drove a lengthy hour to the nearest mall.  I justified the gas usage because we needed to make a Costco trip, and Costco is about 3 miles from the mall.  But, we needed frozen food from Costco, so naturally I couldn't go to Costco until the end of the day. 

And if I'm gonna use this much gas, it's gonna be a full day.

So, we picked up something for Daddy, and a new top for Mommy, and spent about 5 of the 8 hours in the car feeding Baby-who-can't-focus-if-there-are-people-around, and letting Baby-who-must-have-her-naps sleep in her carseat, and hiding in fitting rooms, letting Baby-who-is-a-wiggleworm roll and squirm and bellyflop around her blanket, giggling uproariously.  The poor people in the next fitting room were so confused.

Really, it wasn't much of a shopping trip.  But, it was ridiculously helpful to have new places to go, new things to look at, distractions galore to occupy my mind.  The ache of missing Husband is constant, but it eases if enough other thoughts crowd it to the side.  Any thoughts, really.  So, an abundance of colors and textures and pedestrians did the job.

But, by the time I got home, unpacked everything, re-organized the freezer, fed Baby, and conjured up some food for myself, I was tired beyond all reason.  I fell into bed around midnight, thinking about my neglected to-do list but hardly caring.

Maybe next week, I'll do this again... 

Deployment Journal - Day #3

Ok, nevermind.  Today, I crashed.  It started with an enthusiastic to plant my carefully-nurtured, sprouting yam in the garden.  My yam has been living, half submerged, in a jar of water for weeks now, and is finally shooting out these amazing leaves and massive root webs.  I was super excited to plant it, to cheer myself up.  So, I Googled how to plant my leafing yam and was promptly informed that now I need to remove the sprouts from the yam, and get them to grow their own roots.

But, that'll take weeks!  It's already mid-summer! 

Thus, began my crummy day.  Adrenaline is depleted, Baby is fussy, I'm bored.

Well, not really properly bored; I'm procrastinating.  I have plenty of projects that I was dying to work on these last several months.  Now that I have tons of time, I couldn't be less motivated.  Go figure.  Yesterday, I tried to catch up on designing photo books, but that involved sorting thru large quantities of sentimental pictures, which doesn't sound appealing today.  I could clean, but the house is already about 85% tidy and that's good enough for me.  I could file all those papers piling on the counter but, well, I'm kinda used to them being there now... they can stay for another week.  Maybe by then, I'll be my normal OCD self again.

I try eating food, but that doesn't help. I call home, but they're busy with life and as much as they try to chat with me, I can tell I'm interrupting their day.  We take a walk, and that helps a little.  A friend comes to visit, and that helps alot.  But, as soon as she leaves, the dreariness was as bad as before she came... Dangit.

A friend once told me, "Some days, it's easier to endure being fired from your dream job than to handle eight consecutive paper cuts."  Today was one of those days.

Deployment Journal - Day #2

Doing better than I expected today.  Feeling competent.  Still feeling hollow inside, but all done crying now.

Well actually, doing laundry makes me teary; I washed the last of his clothes left in our hamper, and felt deeply sad knowing he won't be wearing them again for a long time.  I left his shirts hanging in the laundry room, just like usual.  It weakened the aura of transition.

Staying very busy.  Weeding the yard, hoeing the garden, IMing friends, cleaning out the fridge.  Went to the library.  Got a haircut.  Hosted a girlfriend for dinner.  Took a walk twice today.  Grateful for tea.

Highlight of the day: Remembering to put out the trash, and sort the recycled bin.  Felt rather proud of my ability to manage it all.